Few days ago I woke up in the morning, went to the kitchen and started preparing for my daughter’s tiffin. Suddenly I realised my face is getting burning sensation; I ran to washroom and cleaned it with cold water. I felt better for sometime I looked into the mirror and it was like all of sudden my cheeks and chin has grilled up, clearly shown dark spots popping out to tell me that I am ignoring something! What am I ignoring. As much as I know myself I was doing good for me and my family, yet there is something wrong which was reflecting on my face.
I got restless to find out the reason. I am enjoying my work, ya sometimes overdoing but I don’t stress about it, I am doing zumba, yoga, as and when possible a walk, I get enough sleep and checked everything about my routine; and then I reached to the last thing which was deeper sense of satisfaction about life.
I am 41, so far did everything that I wanted, I am not afraid of taking risks, not afraid of speaking my mind, not afraid of going beyond my limits, I have pushed myself to do the things which I never had thought I would do, and hence I am deeply grateful to my almighty, my upbringing, my late parents which are still within me, I am grateful to be with my family, I am grateful for all the connections I have made so far, and inspite of all this I was deeply missing something, and that something is bothering me a lot.
Though I understand that life cannot be always perfect which we desired for; there would be so many ups and downs which would make us or break us. and I think at this point of time I am getting feeling of broken.
While life looks perfect to the outside world, for me it has absolutely chaotic, the chaos which I keep ignoring, and has gradually turned into the complaints. I am subconsciously complaining about almost everything! Why would anyone complain when everything is going good?
After so many attempts and ifs and buts, I have finally reached to this : I have compulsive disorder. OMG!
Honestly I am laughing at this term, because I don’t prefer to be obsessed about anything but rather a discipline. Discipline of reaching to certain levels, achieving certain goals and aspirations, at certain place as planned, as desired, and if I couldn’t do so, I broke! I guess this is a story of every single aspirants out there who have their own struggles. Why we become so obsessed, or sometimes so hard on ourselves that we forget that we’re human beings, not a machine, which will be programmed with large language models, with complex algorithms to achieve all objectives designed for it. When I was planning my masters for the United States I had never had thought that I would eventually reach Australia! And when I wanted to be in Australia for better opportunities, I am getting those opportunities here in my home country and working from home! Why is life so unpredictable?
You see my parents used to say that we are what we do, that is our Karma decides everything. Good deeds eventually bring good; so always ensure that you are doing good. Then what happens to those people who are inevitable in our lives, doesn’t matter we want them or not! what is their impact in our lives? do they have any reverse impacts, as in repercussions?
Certainly they have. So why anyone would do wrongdoing? What kind of happiness do they receive? I don’t know I absolutely have no idea. Probably it would take another masters in psychology to understand this, but for now I am glad that I could simplify for myself and for those who are struggling for the happiness, and peace. Answer is belief, our belief system should be strong enough that rather than following something blindly, analyse deeply. Understand the purpose, understanding why things are the way they’re. Trust in your good karma, believing that almighty is taking care of everyone and every single thing around you, we just have to ensure we’re not harming anyone rather be harmonious. Karma will do her job! Amen!
Cheers,
Gayatri Vedpathak